Kaguya Wants to Get It Done
by moodyrunner
Summary: sry for the cringe shitpost fellas


There was a problem. A huge problem. It was a problem so monumental any slight mistake would lead to the end of his life. Shirogane did not know what to do. He rotated around the room, frantically scratching his head to the point that he might even bleed.

"Onii-chan, your hair is getting the room messy! You better clean that all up, I need to watch Bugarally soon!" Kei nagged as she struggled to deal with the finances for her council work. Shirogane continued, still scratching his decaying hairline.

"What do I do, Shinomiya just asked me to go to a hotel with her!" Shirogane thought quietly in his head. Or at least, that's what he thought he did. "WHAT?" The question from his sister finally stopped Shirogane in his steps, and he slowly turned 45 degrees towards a distraught Kei.

"Wait, i-it's not what you think it is!" Shirogane stammered to find the right words but nothing came out.

"Eh, it's only been 3 weeks since I last heard of you two going out, and you're already getting to that part, huh?" Kei smirked a smug smile, a hand over her lips as if mocking him. "S-Shut up, you're still in middle school!" "Well, I guess I'll just have to help my dear brother just this once." Shirogane was about to breathe a sigh of relief when he suddenly choked.

"Wait, what do you mean? What do you know?" This time it was the younger sibling's turn to stammer. "W-Why are you asking? Of course, I would know... I watch shows and stuff, compared to you who's incapable of doing anything beyond reading words in a book."

She blushed a shade of red and hid her face in her hands. After squirming for a few seconds, Kei recovered and stood up, as if to imitate a sense of authority. "A-Alright, anyways I'll teach you all there is to be a good boyfriend, so be ready!" Shirogane felt a shudder through his body as if old wounds were reopened.

January 31st, the end of the opening month and the gate towards the month of love. Kaguya rises from bed and scans her schedule as to what tasks should be accomplished today. She was to meet Shirogane at the hotel to discuss sensitive council work that should not be leaked to anyone. Asking Hayasaka to take care of the scheduling, everything was prepared and Kaguya was ready to go out and get the business over with. The corner of her eye scanned the time in which she was supposed to meet Shirogane. "Hayasaka, you must have made a mistake here. It says 6 PM here instead of AM, imagine how long he would've had to wait at the hotel by now!"

Hayasaka casually answered in a cully voice: "Kaguya-Sama, that was not a mistake, I intentionally set the time the evening." "How are we supposed to do our work if we're sleepy then?" Hayasaka smiled. "If it is you and the president, I am confident the work can be done in a few hours or so anyway." Kaguya was starting to grow annoyed at the absurdity of the situation.

"You cleared my whole schedule for this also, Now what am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?" Hayasaka now seemed as though she was about to laugh and answered, "Why of course, we would need to make special preparations for tonight."

HOTEL ROOM DATES. THESE ESTABLISHMENTS ARE SACRED PLACES, WITH THE PURPOSE OF GATHERING VIRGINS FROM ALL OVER AND TAKING IT ALL AWAY AT ONCE. THERE WERE MANY REASONS TO RENT A HOTEL, WHETHER TO ACTUALLY REST, A BUSINESS FAVOR, OR EVEN, IN THIS CASE, PURE LOVE BETWEEN A MAN AND AN UNTAINTED MAIDEN. iT REPRESENTED THE PEAK OF ONE'S RELATIONSHIP AND TESTED THE LIMITS OF HOW FAR IT CAN GO. THIS IS THE MAKE OR BREAK OF THE RELATIONSHIP, AND IF DONE CORRECTLY, MAY OR MAY NOT LEAD A COUPLE ON THE PATH TOWARDS MARRIAGE.

Or so, that was Shirogane's idea of what it meant, thanks to last-minute research done on the subject before leaving the house.

It was a chilly night in January, and Kaguya was nowhere to be seen. Just then, a limousine pulled up, and out of it, Kaguya exited. She was dressed in the same clothing as the time they saw a movie together, and she seemed… well… nonchalant. "President Shirogane, I have reserved the room already, please meet me in room 142. I still have to prepare some materials." Shirogane nervously walked up the stairs, his legs about to give out every step of the way. How is she so calm about this? Am I just that experienced? And what materials? Shirogane could almost hear the dreaded voice that he had not heard in a long time,

"Kaichou, you're not even educated in such an elementary subject, and you think yourself fit to call me your girlfriend? Ara, Ara." Shirogane stopped in his tracks. Shivers ran down his exhausted spine as it carried the burden of what seemed like the Atlas rock. "No, I must show Shinomiya that I am a man. I can't back down now, not after what it took to get this far!

He opened the door to room 142, only to find a waiting Kaguya, already seated on the bed. "Kaichou, didn't you know we had elevators? Why did you take the stairs?" A FATAL MISTAKE AT FIRST STRIKE. Shirogane had messed up, and he was already showing weakness.

"O-Of course, I was just taking the scenic route. Ahahahahaha…" Kaguya glanced a look of confusion as he continued laughing continuously as if to hide something. Hm? There isn't anything scenic about stairs though? Kaguya pondered the thought then quickly recovered.

"Anyways Kaichou, I-I'll be taking a shower first, so why don't you sit down until I come out so we can begin our business?" "A-A-A-A-Ah, yeah, sureeeeee… Aahahahahahaha…" Shirogane continued to act like a broken record and Kaguya merely stepped into the restroom.

"You may not know this due to it not being a necessity, but there are certain rules for doing sensitive work in a hotel room." Hayasaka's advice seemed strange at first due to the absurdity of it, but Kaguya paid no heed, as she trusted whatever she said. "First, you must offer to shower first and keep the partner waiting. Don't make them wait too long though, or they'll leave." It was a strange method to do things, but whatever. She took her shower, making mental images about the council work.

Meanwhile, Shirogane was about to mentally explode. It hasn't been long since they started dating, and they were already at the 3rd base! This is unreal, this is unreal, this is unreal. Those thoughts were all Shirogane could think about as he nervously watched towards the restroom door. "Beyond that door, is Shinomiya...naked." Shirogane felt something rise, and it took all of his willpower to keep it down. He slapped himself hard on the face, and it instantly put him back to his senses. He needed to think fast, what do men usually do when they greet women after a shower? She'll probably come out wrapped in towels, so there must be a way he can greet her in a similar manner!

Think, Miyuki Shirogane, Think! His quantum processing brain loaded all 100 billion cores, each individually overclocked at 1,000GHz. Towel. Wrapped. Naked. Towel. Wrapped. Naked. Bed. Sleep. Rest. Towel. Wrapped. Naked. Kaguya. Hotel. Bed. Naked. Kaguya. Naked. Wrapped. Just then, Shirogane experienced a euphoria, a eureka unexperienced by Shirogane in his lifetime, a degree of discovery only belonging to the greatest thinkers, such as Plato, Aristotle, and Einstein. He quickly set his greeting in motion. He will take the offensive, and Kaguya will have no choice to defend herself from his greatest attack, his spear that will break through Kaguya's invincible Aegis.

Kaguya stepped out of her shower, drying her hair. She was about to put on her clothes when she remembered Hayasaka's last advice: "Remember Kaguya-Sama, it is detrimental that you keep your towel on, and do not wear your clothes until after. It was wildly strange, and Kaguya was suspicious as she kept the towel on. I'm not trained in the hotel room arts, but this has to be too much. Is it just a cultural divide belonging to another country? Greece perhaps? Wait there has to be no way they're that crazy, those people just wear loincloths and eat pizza all day. She tried to focus on the meeting but the thought of greeks could not leave her head. Whatever, the meeting will help me keep my mind away from it anyways.

She opened the door and stepped into the room. "Kaichou, let's start the meeting no-

In front of Kaguya was a Shirogane, laying on the bed, facing her. He was half-naked, with only the blanket sheets to hide, dressed in a loincloth styled shirt. His clothes were all over the floor, and his gray underwear could be made out at the back of the room. In his mouth was a daisy, plucked from the room service vase. The daisy stood for purity and youth. Shirogane looked towards Kaguya with his new red loincloth and gave a straight reply: "Yes, let's.

Kaguya's jaw dropped, shock pasted all over her face. "Wha… What… Wh...Wha…. KYAAAAAAAAA!" Her screams reverberated throughout the hotel. In a normal situation, the hotel staff would immediately be alerted to the scene. However, the building was vacant today. Hayasaka rented the entire hotel, without mentioning it to Kaguya. Now it was time for Shirogane to be shocked. N-Nani the fuck? My spear that would pierce the very heavens? Backfiring? He accounted for the spear to break through any defense, but he made the miscalculation of letting it penetrate his own. Both of them felt immediate embarrassment, redder than the volcanoes of Pompei.

Kaguya, from finally realizing Hayasaka's intentions, and Shirogane, for things to not go his way. They could only stand and sit in silence, realizing the implications of their actions. They both saw themselves as inhuman, a semen demon, whose hunger knows no bounds standing in front of the male Adélie penguin, well known for their sexual tendencies during mating. Kaguya was the first to recover and wobbled over to the bed and sat down. Both of their heads were down, shame weighing it harder than any experience they have ever faced. They were both at a mutual stalemate, the worst-case scenario. They knew what would come next, but the approach was an iron curtain, a gate to the Garden of Eden. Shirogane was the next to recover. Shinomiya was brave enough to come to me, I wouldn't be able to call myself a man if I cannot follow through with this all the way!

"Sh-Shinomiya, was there perhaps something else you had in mind when we entered this room?" Kaguya, taking notice of Shirogane's support, followed it up. "W~Why. Why yes. Yes, there was. I was, in fact, thinking of working on sensitive student council work away from the eyes of the public. However Hayasa- my servant tricked me into this situation. I apologize for everything. I'll be taking my leave now."

No! Don't let this chance slip by! Miyuki Shirogane! This is not something you will ever be able to experience again! Shirogane realized the opportunity and grabbed Kaguya's arm. "Shi-...Shinomiya. I…. I want to stay with you. Tonight. Would you allow me to do so?" Kaguya reddened again, as something that obviously could be understood by even her.

SEX. THE REPRODUCTION OF LIFE. THE MANA TRANSFER OF NECTAR, TO NURTURE AN EGG, A SEED, TO GROW A BEAUTIFUL GARDEN. THE BASIS OF LIFE, AND NATURE'S GREATEST GIFT. SEX IS WHAT BINDS EVERY LIVING BEING TOGETHER, AND IT IS FATE FOR ONE TO ENGAGE IN THIS RITUAL. HOWEVER, THE COUPLE HAS NO EXPERIENCE WHATSOEVER WHEN IT COMES TO THIS FORM OF WORSHIP.

Kaguya laid down on the bed. Her hands covered the towel. The couple attempted a kiss as they have done before, but just as they were about to make contact, they both pulled away. If they did it a couple of times already, then why was it so hard to do it now? They looked at each other awkwardly, not knowing what to do. They both made advances to unclothe the other, resulting in failure each time. After a few attempts, Shirogane decided to give up and reached for the bag. In it was a single condom.

"Shinomiya, let's just skip the foreplay. Let's seal the deal right now, and go to sleep." Shinomiya agreed. Shirogane attempted to rip the package. However, the sealing stayed stuck. "Hold on, I think something's wrong with this thing." He tugged at the package with all of his strength, then came a giant RIP. The package burst open. However, there was something wrong. The condom was also ripped in the process. Kaguya and Shirogane looked dumbfoundedly at the tattered condom. Their only chance, torn away. "I-I guess I'll go change in the restroom then. You can go after."

They both went to sleep, secretly disappointed.

Kaguya and Shirogane would go back home the next day. they would be questioned by Kei and Hayasaka. And they will only be met with looks of utter disappointment as the support they have received has all gone to waste, their virginity still intact.

TODAY'S RESULT:

MUTUAL LOSS


End file.
